Searching and hoping...Or searching for hope...

So it has been over a week since we got that phone call that changed our outlook on life. And I have had time almost every day to do a little bit of research. I have tried really hard to not google this...but it is very hard to not google PTEN to discover what others are feeling and going through, and what the most recent research is out there. I feel like I am going through the stages of grief. That probably sounds ridiculously stupid to those out there who have never received any type of diagnosis for you or your child. Or you might even find it stupid if you have received a diagnosis. Don't get me wrong, I am SOO happy that right now, both my children are healthy, and that my husband is healthy. But I have so many fears going through my head, and I am trying to keep them completely hidden. This blog is going to be a reflection for me - a way to get thoughts off my mind. Don't feel like you have to read. Don't judge me by anything you may read. If it offends you or upsets you, stop reading. If you don't know how to handle what I am saying, sorry. But I need this blog to reflect and sort through things. That is how I am going to overcome. That is how we, as a family, are going to grow stronger. I need to be strong through this. Stages of Grief: 1. Shock and Disbelief - I guess I was only in this for a short time frame, like probably 5 minutes. It is so disheartening, though, to know that I have not been in this stage. I can't really say I was ever shocked - I always knew there was something going on. And specialist after specialist couldn't figure out what. And finally, one doctor realized to draw a lab that changed our lives. 2. Pain and Guilt - The pain is there. The pain has been there from the time she has been born. The guilt I have felt thinking that there was something not right. The guilt that I felt when I had relief that we finally had answers. The Pain I feel every day knowing that any day our lives could completely change. That any lump, sickness, or abnormal lab could lead us in a whirlwind because that would mean this new diagnosis has reared its ugly head. And not only for Brooklynn, but also that there is a possibility that Sam or I could be carrying this, and that there might even be the potential that Izzy could have this. 3. Anger and bargainining - I have experienced anger. We don't understand how such a beautiful little girl could have to go through this. Granted, she might not end up getting anything. But I am angry that she has to go through tests her whole entire life. I am angry that I couldn't protect her. I am angry because our lives have changed. I haven't been in the bargaining part of this though - there is no point. You can't bargain your way out of this. 4. Depression, reflection, loneliness - depression yes. reflection, way too much. loneliness, sometimes. I have so many people who have supported us through this. But I feel lonely in my thoughts. I feel lonely because I don't know how much to talk about or to worry about this. I feel lonely because everybody tells me at least we know and can start screening, but I have such an overwhelming sense of fear that I can't away from that easily. I feel depressed because I am allowing myself to get depressed. 5. The upward turn - don't know if I have hit this yet. I get it, and than I go downhill with a day at work. With tears that another mother cries. With another coworker who has found out they have cancer, or tumor, or illness they can't get away from. I am grateful for every day we have that we don't have any diagnosis of "cancer". 6. Reconstruction and working through - this is a day to battle. This is an article by article battle. This is going to be a completely new way of looking at life. Preventative living is what we have to do now. We have to reconstruct the way we live to try to prevent the possibility of the tumors of growing. We have to live healthy. We have to live strong. 7. Acceptance and Hope - I am hopeful. Don't get me wrong. I am hopeful that we never have any terrible diagnosis. I am hopeful that Brooklynn continues to grow and develop. I am hopeful that Sam does not get the positive test result. I am hopeful that I don't get the positive test result. I am hopeful that if either of us do, that we don't have any signs of cancer. I am hopeful if we do, that Izzy doesn't have this. I am hopeful that if we don't, we can figure out if another baby is in our future. I am hopeful that if we do, we are accepting of the fact that the 2 girls are going to continue to be our only world. This might seem silly to some that I am thinking about other children at a time like this, but we always imagined a large family, and that dream in itself is no longer possible (at least right now). Go back to stage 1, 2, 3, and 4 for this realization. I am accepting that we have this answer, so now we have to figure out what this means. But than I go right back to the other stages. Seems silly to be in the stages of grief when my 2 beautiful girls are running around being crazy and laughing and enjoying life. I am really trying to enjoy every minute that we are all healthy. I feel crazy some days. I feel like my thoughts are all over the place. I never feel 100% in the moment. I hope tomorrow when we go to genetics we have some more answers, or at least better answers. I hope every day I get a little closer to being in stage 7, fully and completely. I don't know if that will ever happen, but I am hopeful.