The Day of Processing...

So yesterday was a day of getting information. Today is a day of processing. I dwell on things, I know I do and that is a weakness (sometimes a strength) of mine. I overanalyze, and usually after I over analyze, I come back to the ground and am able to function. But for the first couple days after I hear information, I usually am in my own world. So to those who are around during those days, I apologize. I go from being happy, to being sad, to being nervous, to being angry, to being okay. My mind races, my heart hurts, and than I am better once I lay eyes again on my kids and get the hug and kiss I have needed all day.

But today, right now, I am an absolute wreck. I am trying hard to process this information. I am trying really hard to be okay with this information. But I am also trying to accept everything for what it is. Now, don't get me wrong, I completely, 100% accept and love my child. No matter what I hear about her or what struggles we get, I never struggle with her. I struggle with the challenges she will be facing. With the kids who are just plain mean as she gets older. With the difficulties she is going to have to overcome. I struggle that I might not be strong enough for her. I may not be able to give her all she needs to be great in this world. I am devastated that I can not protect her.

I have to wonder, at what point do you say you have a child with "special needs"? At what point do you say it is okay to classify her as this, not to put her into a box, but to allow my mind and body the ability to give her the services that she might need. Is she a child with "special needs"? Is it okay for me to pick up the magazine that talks about just that - Raising a child with special needs? Am I allowed to do that? Or am I putting her into a bubble that she doesn't belong? I don't want anything she gets diagnoses with or evaluated for to define who she is. The developmental delays, trouble with socialization, autistic type behaviors, even the PTEN Hamartoma Tumor Syndrome is not WHO she is. It is the struggles she needs to overcome. It is a part of her, but it doesn't define her. She is full of energy, she is loving to her family, she is fun and adventerous, and full of animation. All in her own place, all in her own time. She can't be forced to do things, but when she wants to man she is so talented and so bright.

We are lucky we have the family we have. Such an amazing support system. We are so lucky that Izzy is such an amazing big sister. We are so lucky that Brooklynn is such an amazing little sister. They were born at the right time, in the right order. They complete our lives, they make things amazing.

But some days, the struggles we have are just a little overwhelming. The doctor's appointments, the diagnosis, the testing, the feelings, are just a little too much to handle. Some days, I wish I could just go to bed and just cuddle with my kids, or even just roll up in a ball. Some days, I feel like that is all that I need. But I can't. I must stay strong. I must not be selfish. And I have to realize all the positives we have in our lives. I mean, it is hard to struggle with these things when what you see of Brooklynn is so amazing, and she is so healthy. I am trying really hard to dismiss the "What ifs" that come into my head.

Some days I wonder if maybe I am just too weak. So many people deal with their own struggles and sometimes I wonder if I am just so absorbed in ours, but that they are really nothing compared to most people. We are dealing with some minor things, but eventually, when you have a lot of minor things, it gets a little overwhelming. And today, I am accepting that fact. Tomorrow, or even this afternoon, I hope I am stronger than I am right now.